Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields
I like children – fried.
W. C. Fields
I like children – fried.
W. C. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. Fields
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. Fields
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields
There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. Fields
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields
I’d like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. Fields
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields
Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.
W. C. Fields
I don’t know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
W. C. Fields
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
W. C. Fields